unwell...

I'm tired and I should be sleeping by now, but if I don't get this out of my head I don't think I'll be able to sleep. It's been a long time since I last visited this place. Well it's not like I've left the waiting room...perhaps I just don't know anymore what I'm waiting for.

I'm not fine. Love month is about to end and like what I said when this month started I have been working hard to make this month meaningful to the people around me...what I forgot is that each time I try to do something special for people in this month I end up feeling really sorry for myself since nobody actually ever does anything special for me in this month...I'm not fine.

I can't do anything about things...I can't make people feel things...I can't make people change their minds...all I can do is find things that would make me happy. What sucks is that although I actually have a lot of things to be thankful for...still I feel empty for not having love.

It's not easy to not think negative things...I'm starting to think that perhaps no one is capable of loving me...

feeling less

I have tons of things to do but I really gotta right these things down. Lately, I’ve been meaning to write about what has been going through my mind, however, it hasn’t been easy to articulate them into words. Well don’t worry, it’s not because I’m overly emotional or things are overly dramatic…in fact it’s the opposite…lately I haven’t been feeling anything. I know I should be happy ‘cause that’s what I’ve been trying to do and I’ve actually succeeded in feeling less…but I suppose for a hypersensitive person like me feeling less is the same as being lifeless. It’s being in a zombie-like state going through days without really feeling anything. Would you believe me if I say that having 13 lessons in a day doesn’t bother me at all these days? That’s how bad it is…hehe!

It’s a good thing that this weekend I’d have the chance to figure things out. I’m quite excited to go on this retreat. ‘Would really want to unravel this mystery that I’ve been living with…hehe! I honestly think that it wasn’t purely coincidence that the retreat would most likely be referring a lot to a text that has been speaking to me these past months, Ranier Maria Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet. Hopefully, after the retreat, I do learn to live with the questions and not drive myself crazy trying to find answers. I’m pretty sure God has a lot in store for me in this retreat.

I think it’s sad how this gap seem to be growing wider. I know I can be my ever warm and caring self by reaching out to reconnect, but if the distance does not bother you at all then perhaps I should take it as a clear signal that there probably is no need to reconnect L I want to go back in time…when things were normal.

back to reality...

It’s official. I’m impervious to jet lag. I spent my entire day at work whining and moaning about how much I would want to go home and go to bed yet at 1:30 in the morning I find myself still awake. ‘Guess I’m back to my old, unhealthy sleeping habits.

My day at work didn’t go as bad as I thought it would. Except for having to do a class at 1 o’clock and perhaps getting one of my completely less than stellar lessons evaluated by QA, everything went perfectly fine…plus I was pleasantly surprised to find out that people at work actually noticed that I had been gone for a couple of weeks (For all I know they may have been wondering whether I had been fired or at least suspended or something.) hahahaha! I know it’s silly…it’s just that I didn’t really think anyone would even notice…but some were actually interested in learning more about my trip *blushes*. Pardon me…my KSPEMO side is at work again :P

So how was my trip to the U.S.? IT WAS GOOD. Well it didn’t turn into my usually romanticized idea of going on a journey where at the end of the journey the pilgrim finds a sense of enlightenment…or comes of age…or is a reunited with long lost love or the mother or father or brother or sister they had been separated from for years…or unearths great riches and wealth…or maybe finds that one true love he or she had been searching for. Mine didn’t have any of the ending aforementioned…but I had a lot of good learning experiences. Here are 15 lessons and realizations I had from my 15 day journey in the US of A :P

1. I enjoy traveling by plane

2. Most people avoid things they’re not familiar with.

2. 
   

3. I will never fly with the airline I flew in again:

4. I am tiny in the U.S.

5. Ohio serves some of the best ice creams in the whole wide world.

6. New Yorkers are kind.

7. Picasso loves women with curves.

8. Seeing a Monet and a Van Gogh will really leave you breathless.

9. Going up the Empire State Building is anything but romantic.

10. I can proudly say that I know some of the best people in the whole wide world and I can proudly call them sister/brother, tita and friend.

11. My baby sis is all grown up now with a husband, a house, a career, her own circles of friends and soon, a little baby of her own.

12. You can’t just will for love to come.

13. Love will come when it’s time.

14. Someday, I will have a happy ending of my own.

15. I am blessed :D

still waiting...

Guess what...I'm still in the waiting room. Six months after my last entry, I'm still in here...still can't assume anything...still can't claim anything. These past few weeks have been quite promising. There have been glimpses of truth but with our track record...glimpses won't be enough...I'm gonna need a headliner written in BOLD letters or a press conference.

We could have had our third "date" the other had a friend of mine not acted so immaturely and insisted on joining us at the movies that night. Thinking that crashing the party wouldn't be enough she thought it would be more exciting if she breaks my heart by being mean. Initially, I felt bad for getting annoyed that she crashed our date...but after how she's acted and discovering how judgmental she is I know I have a reason to be really annoyed.

I just don't understand how someone can just judge a person without even trying to get to know that person. I don't think I need people like those in my life right now.

woe is me

It has already been a year and things haven't changed. I am tempted to think that perhaps this is it...this is all you can give and this is all I can have. Perhaps it is just plain ridiculous for me to think that we can be more that we already are right now...that perhaps you are that one person who can handle me...that perhaps you're enlightened and brave enough to love me. As much as I would love to believe in fairy tales and happy endings, I think being realistic and accepting that I'm bound to get my heard broken over and over and over again unless I finally give up on you will save me.

I don't like feeling insecure...I don't like having to always measure up to the women...or should I say "girls" you surround yourself with. How the heck can a homely thirty something girl compete with sexy, young girls in their 20's??? I'm not saying you're shallow and that your main criteria for considering a woman lovable is mainly physical, but I know what type of women you're attracted to...I know that you like tall, slim women with long, straight hair...I am small, fat and I've got short wavy hair...I'm everything you're not interested in. What the heck gave me the idea that you are into me???

I'm a hopeless case...I'm not liking myself right now :(

broken

You hurt me. I guess you did because I let you. I should've stuck with the old plan...don't assume, don't demand, don't expect! I think I hoped too much. I perceived you to be more than what you can really be. You're not that kind...you're not that open-minded and you're not that brave. I only have myself to blame for this heartbreak 'cause you never asked me to love you.

Now I have to live with yet another broken heart...but it's ok...I hope it won't take long 'til I finally forget who broke it...then things can go back to normal.

role play

I should be sleeping right now...but instead. I'm in front of my computer listening to Neyo over and over and over again. I don't know if it's the colds...or the rain...or the song...or perhaps all these pent up emotions inside of me wanting to break free...I just felt lonely all of a sudden. I know I shouldn't rush things...rushing may just cause things to blow up on our face but I get impatient...frustrated...and lost. I wish you'd tell me soon 'cause I'm willing to play the part. If I'm nothing but a sister to you...then I'd be that sister to you. I wouldn't wanna be caught playing the wrong part.

You confuse me. You do things that make me think that I am more than a sister to you but you pull back everytime. Am I just too repressed that I'm misinterpreting your innocent kindness for affection???