woe is me

It has already been a year and things haven't changed. I am tempted to think that perhaps this is it...this is all you can give and this is all I can have. Perhaps it is just plain ridiculous for me to think that we can be more that we already are right now...that perhaps you are that one person who can handle me...that perhaps you're enlightened and brave enough to love me. As much as I would love to believe in fairy tales and happy endings, I think being realistic and accepting that I'm bound to get my heard broken over and over and over again unless I finally give up on you will save me.

I don't like feeling insecure...I don't like having to always measure up to the women...or should I say "girls" you surround yourself with. How the heck can a homely thirty something girl compete with sexy, young girls in their 20's??? I'm not saying you're shallow and that your main criteria for considering a woman lovable is mainly physical, but I know what type of women you're attracted to...I know that you like tall, slim women with long, straight hair...I am small, fat and I've got short wavy hair...I'm everything you're not interested in. What the heck gave me the idea that you are into me???

I'm a hopeless case...I'm not liking myself right now :(

broken

You hurt me. I guess you did because I let you. I should've stuck with the old plan...don't assume, don't demand, don't expect! I think I hoped too much. I perceived you to be more than what you can really be. You're not that kind...you're not that open-minded and you're not that brave. I only have myself to blame for this heartbreak 'cause you never asked me to love you.

Now I have to live with yet another broken heart...but it's ok...I hope it won't take long 'til I finally forget who broke it...then things can go back to normal.

role play

I should be sleeping right now...but instead. I'm in front of my computer listening to Neyo over and over and over again. I don't know if it's the colds...or the rain...or the song...or perhaps all these pent up emotions inside of me wanting to break free...I just felt lonely all of a sudden. I know I shouldn't rush things...rushing may just cause things to blow up on our face but I get impatient...frustrated...and lost. I wish you'd tell me soon 'cause I'm willing to play the part. If I'm nothing but a sister to you...then I'd be that sister to you. I wouldn't wanna be caught playing the wrong part.

You confuse me. You do things that make me think that I am more than a sister to you but you pull back everytime. Am I just too repressed that I'm misinterpreting your innocent kindness for affection???

Ten Things I'd Like to Tell You

• You make me happy.
• I hate it when you're not around.
• I miss you right now.
• Ever since I started feeling this for you I've been really excited to wake up every morning knowing that I'll get to talk to you.
• I want to take care of you.
• I am impressed by your ability to handle me (especially when I'm being difficult).
• I feel safe whenever you're around.
• I can see myself growing old with you.
• I think we'll make a great couple.
• I love you ^.^
  

Ten Questions I'd like to Ask YOU

• Why do you spend much time with me?
• Why do you remember the things I tell you?
• Do you notice how you've changed since we started getting closer?
• Why did you agree to join my family and I to the movies?
• Who am I to you?
• How would you define our relationship?
• Do you spend time with me because you want to or is it because you just got nothing else better to do?
• Do you have any idea what you do to me?
• Are you still in love with her?
• Are you in love with me?
  

princess

I miss you calling me "princess". When you first started calling me "princess", I didn't pay much attention. I knew that you were calling me "princess" because my handle has the word "princess" on it. It's a pity that just when I started putting meaning into how you call me, you decided to stop. You even started calling other girls "princess." The last time you called me "princess" was on my birthday last year. What happened since then? Why did you stop calling me "princess"?

still in the fog

Why does it seem like things are a getting a lot more hazy? When I started on this journey through the fog I was confident that things will clear up along the way but why does it seem like the farther I go, the foggier it gets?

I know I should be content with what I have right now 'cause there really isn't anything wrong going on. We've been spending more time together...we've been planning more opportunities to spend more time together in the future...but what's dangerous about this is how I'm starting to expect more from him. I know I shouldn't...I shouldn't assume...I shouldn't expect...and I shouldn't demand.

Last weekend gave me a glimpse of what I can have...I liked what I saw. It no longer feels like that giddy, schoolgirl crush...it's more calm and familiar...it was comfortable. I loved that certain feeling of security I get whenever he's around. For a couple of days all my doubts and questions about who I am to him disappeared 'cause I knew he was there with me...he chose to be there with me...but then again...I can be wrong. Perhaps he chose to be there for himself.

closet poet

The only time I am able to write poems is when I am terribly sad. Actually, not just the normal kind of sad, in fact it is only when I reach that point when I've become inconsolable that only an unrestrained outpour of words can make me feel better, that I am able to write poems. However, for the past few months, that hasn't been the case. I'm quite pleased to say that my current love situation has enabled me to write poems even when I'm not on the brink of a melt down...oh well the ones I have written in situations similar to that are still better than the ones I wrote when I'm sane...but this is a big improvement nonetheless.

Here are some of the things I've written these past few months:

Do not awaken love
until it so desires...
...wait
until trust erases fear...
until respect blinds jealousy
...until the promise of a future
makes you leave all your
extra baggage in
the past...
only then can your present start
...only then can you truly love.

****************
Never was

I'm leaving the room as it is-
as if I was never there.
There'd be no trace of me...
no photos...no toothbrush...
not even my scent
nor a strand of hair.
The room will exactly be
how I found it...
nothing more...nothing less.
Nothing has been
moved or
changed
Everything will be where
it's supposed to be...
so you won't have to worry about
remembering
I was ever there...
and you won't have to pretend to care
that something's missing
when I'm gone.

****************
Coffee and a Movie
Two simple everyday things
coffee is coffee
a movie is a movie
nothing else...
nothing else.

****************
"It's ok..."
the worst response you can get
after an apology.

"It's ok" is equal to
"You did me wrong!"

It's the same as
"How would you expect me to trust you after this?"

It's as painful as
"I'm never gonna believe anything you say."

"It's ok" is "It's not ok."

******************

Wake me up when you're ready...
when you finally know
what you want
and you know what to do
with what you'll get.

Wake me up when you're ready...
when you've become brave enough
to accept what you feel
and learned to embrace it.

Wake me up when you're ready
to hold my hand when I get scared.

Wake me up when you're ready
to enter a room with me by your side.

Wake me up when you're ready
to let me in
to let me share in your fears and your pains.

Wake me up when you no longer
feel the need to hide
everything that you hold inside.

When you learn to let go...
and let love...
when that time comes...wake me up.

the ugly truth

What can you expect after watching the last few scenes of perhaps two of the most popular romantic movies of all time: Sleepless in Seattle and Titanic? A big mess.

This week can either be one of the best weeks ever in my life or one of the worst.

I don't know what to think of having to face something I've been dreading for some months now. Part of me is confident that I'll totally be okay...that I'll remain calm and composed and appear as an accomplished woman who knows what she wants and is secure of herself. But the other part of me is worried that I'll totally freak out and shrink into a desperate old woman who is holding on to what may be her last hope.

I don't want to compete. How the heck do I compete with a young, beautiful woman in her early 20's? Only a fool would choose a plain, neurotic, thirty something woman like me.

I don't like myself when I'm this way...someone hit in me in the head!

Mercy

What is mercy? It's interesting how this word came up several times this past weekend. In our Bible study last Saturday, we talked about how a blind man begged Jesus for mercy when he heard him passing by the city streets and this morning, our pastor presented to us a fresh view of Christian service and how it should begin with a plea for mercy. Often times, after being a Christian for a long time we fail to recognize our need for God's mercy. We would sometimes start thinking that God owes us every blessing He's been giving us, forgetting what we were and where we came from. Mercy is granting someone, something he/she doesn't deserve. When Christ died on the cross, he granted us something we didn't deserve, forgiveness of our sins. It's a pity how we can get too complacent that we fail to realize how much we need God's mercy. I think we can only truly serve God when we recognize how much we need His mercy.

The blind man only begged for mercy, but Jesus gave him more than what he asked for...He was healed. The same thing can happen to us if we begin our service to God with a plea for His mercy...He will give us much much more than we can ever ask for.

happiness

It's interesting how in the past few weeks I've had some encounters with a lot of my old friends. I had an invite to go to a gathering of some of my college buddies, but stupid me sent the host the wrong cp number, so the whole time I was waiting for his message regarding the details of the gathering and me feeling a bit neglected for not hearing from him, he was actually trying to reach me through the wrong number*sighs* seems like I need to start taking those memory enhancing pills.

These past few weeks, I've been constantly reminded of growing old...these encounters with friends...Michael Jackson's death...conversations with my special guy and my inability to truly appreciate all the things he tells me mainly because some of these things are young people stuff...all of these things have been making me more aware of my age. Well I won't be whining about how growing old sucks...it just makes me feel all nostalgic. This week, there were two things that I saw on FB that really made me smile: the video of the son of one of my college buddies counting from 1 to 12 and the photo album from the wedding of one of my high school buddies. In the past, I probably would have looked at these things with much envy, but when I saw them, I just smiled and felt really happy for them. I don't know what it is...it could mean that I'm now totally resigned to the inevitable (that I'll grow old and become a bitter old maid...hahaha!) or it could mean that I am now quite comfortable in my own 30 year old skin. I know often whine about a lot of things...but when I look back and see how beautiful my life has been, I can boldly say that I am happy.

7 months

I just discovered where I got my obsessive side. Ever since Michael Jackson died, my mom has been watching all the specials they have on TV...she's bought 2 DVD's of MJ's concerts and videos and MJ has been our constant topic of conversation over breakfast for the past 2 weeks...it's confirmed...I got it from my momma...hehehe!

I never mentioned in my previous entry why I decided to start another blog...well I don't know...I guess I need some privacy...haha! I know it sounds silly 'cause how the heck can you have privacy in an online journal? Well, a lot of my friends already know of my multiply blog so now, there are some things I can no longer write about.

So why did I call this the waiting room? Well it's simply because I'm waiting. I'm waiting for something to happen. I've been praying for it for the past 7 months. Part of me wants to hit myself in the head for being naive enough to believe that it can actually happen...but the other part of me has a strong conviction that it will happen...all I have to do is wait...so I'm waiting...patiently on God's will.

confessions of an online social network addict

So this is now my nth blog on the web. I've started so many blogs I've already lost count of them...in fact I've already forgotten how to access some of them. It's just funny to think that somewhere in cyberspace, I have blog sites floating about with information about my ooooo soooo marvelously exciting existence...haha! This reminds me of what one of my students told me yesterday...he said that all these online social networks and blogs have brought about some sort of disease on people. Ever since the internet gave man the venue to make his life seem less ordinary through these social networks and blogs, he developed an addiction to attention. It's interesting how the number of hits on your site and the number of comments you get on your entries or your status determine how well loved or popular you are.

It's kinda sad how people these days may be relying on these things for their sense of importance and relevance. I should know 'cause lately I've found myself doing just that. It's silly how a tiny red bubble on the lower right side of my computer screen can 'cause my heart to skip a beat when I get feedback about my activities online and my shoulders to drop when I realize that it's just a notification about some quiz I need to take. I know a lot of people who've been spending hours after hours sitting in front of their computers updating their sites and blogs instead of going home to be with their families or going out to drink and have fun with friends. It's been said millions of times before that the internet has made the world smaller and has enabled us to have closer ties with friends...but could it be that the internet actually has made man feel even more alone and isolated than he has ever been?